Loving Unemployment

This isn't intended as a brag post, but parts of it may read that way, I'm sorry and hope you're not offended.

I've been unemployed since August of 2009. This isn't that rare, millions of American's are like me. What is different is unlike most American families in this situation my family isn't in a financial crisis and worried each month that we are going to lose a car, the house, or not have enough food to eat.

Yes I do draw unemployment, but it is less than half of what I made before I lost my job. However we have never lived above our means, we don't have any credit cards or bills that come with them. Between my unemployment and what Heather makes doing daycare at home we can pay all our bills each month and have also been able to completely pay off a rather large outstanding balance to a local hospital.

During this time Heather has had a major surgery with a week off work and a miscarriage that made her miss a cumulative 2 weeks of daycare and yet we are still current on all our bills, and have credits on a few.

We've been able to do this mostly by being smart, but we've also become big fans of Dave Ramsey who advocates being debt free and how to get there. We haven't followed his plan exactly, we've bought Alex a new bike, we go out to eat occasionally, etc but between him and advice our parents gave growing up we're actually SHRINKING our debt while I'm spending time with my family and waiting for the right job.

Please don't misread that last line, I'm still working hard for work. However I'm presently looking almost exclusively in my chosen profession rather than having to take the first paycheck someone dangles in front of me simply to make ends meet. I have a deadline of 2 months before my unemployment runs out that I will then open myself wide up to any job I'm qualified for that will allow me to provide for my family. In the mean time I've been able to be home and shoulder the household tasks during Heather's two medical problems, I've spent lots of time playing with and enjoying my son, and I've gotten a lot done around the house (and thought of a lot more I'd like to do.) I'm enjoying my unemployment, however I'm ready to work if anyone has a job in my field.

Bad times in perspective

I consider myself an amateur historian of both the American Civil War and World War 2 because I view them as the two most pivotal points in our countries history. During the D-Day invasion America lost 135,000 soldiers in 24 hours (29,000 killed, 106 wounded and missing) UK lost 65,000 (11,000 killed, 54,000 killed and missing) Canada lost 18,000 (5,000 killed, 13,000 wounded and missing) France had over 12,000 CIVILIANS killed and missing (wounded unknown) in one day. Germany had the largest removed from action in one day with 320,000 (30,000 killed, 80,000 wounded and 210,000 M.I.A. or P.O.W.) Consider those numbers the next time the nightly news talks about the effects of one homicide bomber in the middle east and remember the price of freedom just 65 years ago on a single day.
*Source of statistics is the Encyclopedia Britannica and deaths include those that died later from wounds inflicted on June 6, 1944.

This has been one of the worst weeks in my life. Not to be topped by this week, but pretty bad for reasons that if you know are self explanitory, and if you don't I'm not going into.

However, driving home from one of my nieces graduation parties (not one of the reasons for the bad week in case you were wondering) I was reminded that 65 years ago there were men storming a beach in occupied France who, after that day had no more bad weeks, days, or moments. This didn't solve any of the problems that have come up in my life recently, but it did make me realize that the way I've handled them has been fairly petty and childish. I still feel the way that I feel, nothing but time and communication will change that, one I can control if the other parties involved will join me in it, the other I have no control over other than to keep drawing breath.

BTW if you think you know all the parties I'm referencing in the second part of this post, you're probably wrong.

ATTENTION COOL KIDS, Geeks blazed the trails you're on

I'm a geek. I readily admit it, hell I use it to define myself to people when they first meet me. I was never one of the "cool kids" yet I regularly find they are "into" what interested me years earlier. Below are some examples.

Computers: This one is fairly obvious at first glance, but look again. In the early 80's while the cool kids were tie-dying their clothing, and meeting at the roller-rinks us geeks either were convincing our parents to get us a computer, or were teaching ourselves how to use the computers our parents had reluctantly let us use because they had gotten it for themselves for work and they thought maybe someday we might possibly get some value out of the things. While I never taught myself more than basic programming I can troubleshoot a computer, you can point to any component and I can tell you the proper name, what it does, and what the specs of a current generation of that component are. A few years after us geeks were handing in neatly typed papers for school our classmates started getting in on the act and getting computers, mostly for gaming but reluctantly for school work as well.

The Internet: So now everyone, geek and cool kid, had a computer, but us geeks went to the next level, we connected our computers together and were communicating back and forth. The cool kids started making fun of us again, talking about us sitting in our basement lairs talking about Star Trek and getting tanned by monitor radiation. Now the internet is everywhere. Cool hang-outs would be barren if they didn't offer free wifi access, you can't go 30 steps in a store without one of the cool kids with a cellphone out, not to their ear, but to their thumbs checking their facebook status.

Blogs: Ok I was late to this party, I admit. But the geek collective used blogs to spread news that traditional media ignored either because they didn't find interesting or didn't want out (Bill Clinton's affair with Monica was first reported on the Drudge Report, a for stories that were refused by the AP.) Then the cool kids started blogging about everything from what they had for supper to who they slept with that night. Not really the point, again we were there first.

It's not just technology either, look at the last few summers big blockbuster movies, all comic-book movies (Spiderman, X-Men, Hellboy, etc) hell even Star Wars was ours first and has been embraced by the cool kids.

My point is that even though the cool kids ridicule us, tease us, beat us up, they need us. They all follow each other meaning no one finds fresh new things, the geeks are the trail blazers, willing to take the risks find the awsome new technology, figure out how it will benefit the herd and return it to them. I wonder if Lewis and Clark were ever given a wedgie?

Week from HELL

OK, I declare Dec 14 through Dec 20 2008 the week from hell for my family.

Late Saturday night (about 10 PM) I took my wife into the emergency room, and shortly after midnight on the 14th we found out she was having a miscarriage (we didn't know she was pregnant until that night but had 20 minutes between when we were told she was pregnant and when we were told the baby was in trouble.)

On Wednesday my brother had a second surgery for thyroid cancer. All went well but those two items themselves were quite a bit to take.

Then on Friday, while at work I got a call first from my father saying that they didn't get the right lymph nods in Adam and they would have to be going in again on Saturday. about 20 minutes later I got a call from Heather and was told that there were some complications and that if her hormone levels weren't where the doctors wanted to see them she would be going into surgery that night. About 4 hours later we found out Heather wouldn't have to have surgery, but Adam would definitely need it. Then when I got home from work I was told by my father that his brother had commit ed suicide that morning by over-dosing on pills.

Everyone is doing well from their various medical issues, Adam is recovering well from 2 surgeries within 4 days, and Heather and I are still getting over the shock and pain of the miscarriage but this isn't a week I'd want to relive for anything in the world.

To the Child I never knew

This is written on Sunday Dec 14, but will be delayed posting until Heather gives the OK due to reasons that will become obvious in the reading.

I got to bed at 5:45 am this morning. We just got back from the ER where within a 20 minute stretch we found out that Heather was pregnant, and that she was in the middle of a miscarriage.

We've been trying for a second child for about a year and a half now, so this was a major blow to both Heather and I. I doubt we've fully processed it.

The hardest thing about the whole experience was in the ER the doctors kept referring to the collection as "tissue" that wasn't tissue, that was my child. I'll never know him or her, I didn't know they existed until they were in trouble.

That's hard for me as well. I'm very traditional in that I feel it's my job above all others to protect my family, and there was nothing I could do. I know logically there was something massively wrong with the child and that's why this happened, but in my heart I failed to protect my child, and my wife from the pain associated with this ordeal.

I barely knew this child, and now I never will, and that saddens me to the core.

Stress outlets

I don't deal with anger and stress well. I get that from my father who has fought his whole life with stress and anger issues.

Over the years I've had numerous outlets to help me focus this raw energy from the stress into outlets other than anger. I feel I've wrestled the monster down quite well, and most people who didn't know me 15+ years ago don't know that I wrestle this particular demon on a daily basis and just below the surface it's constantly waiting, even today for a chink in my armor.

In late elementary school and early middle school my buddy and I used to bike to each others houses, or to the mall (which was ~10 miles) and play video games such as Super Mario Brothers, Mortal Kombat, and Street Fighter.

In late middle school and early High School I did karate, tried to rodeo and played video games such as Duke Nukem 3d, Doom (1 and 2,) and Rise of the Triad

In late High School I did a number of plays, worked a physical job (grocery store,) chased a girl who's now my wife, and played Command and Conquer, Red Alert, and Warcraft.

And so on, and so on, as you can see there's always been a physical element and video games. Until now, I still have physical things, such as playing with Alex, house work, and the charity I'm struggling to get off the ground.

The problem is the video game side of things. There's a couple of problems on the game front actually. First is time, I have a family and feel guilty going downstairs to play while they are home and awake, even if Heather tells me it's ok. Second is me, you see I use Linux on my computer rather than Windows because I don't like what Microsoft stands for. However most games are made for Windows, and while they will run with some hacking in Linux, I feel guilty buying something that doesn't work natively on Linux and thus in-directly supporting Windows. There are a few game makers who make their games directly for Linux, but they tend to be of a genre that I don't care for, such as First-Person Shooters.

I have noticed that my stress level is higher since my gaming has decressed but I'm not sure exactly how to correct this problem, but I'm hoping that either game companies will soon embrace Linux or I'll find another outlet for stress to deal with my agression. Suggestions of either Linux-friendly games or alternate directions are always welcome in the comments.

A life to be thankful for

As I sit here a few hours away from a Thanksgiving feast with my in-laws I've been reflecting on where my life has taken me and and where it may lead in the future.

My life isn't the way I planned it or envisioned it growing up, but I'm the better for it. I always dreamed I'd have an adventurous life with very few roots to hold me to one spot, and I didn't plan on having anyone depend on me that I would possibly disappoint or let down if things went badly for me.

Instead I'm married, have a wonderful son, a mortgage on a nice house, a job I enjoy and all the happier for it. Sure I wonder where life would have led down the other path, but I'm happy if the only thing I have to run from is the throw from a first baseman in my softball league who couldn't hit a barn if he were standing inside it. Call me old fashion but I enjoy being the primary provider for my wife and son, and the knowledge that I make enough to allow my wife to stay home and raise Alex. If she wanted to work outside the home (note I didn't leave it at work, she works much longer hours than I do.)

If more nights than not I'm in bed by 10:30 pm, and get daily reports of how many times someone went pee-pee and poo-poo in the potty that's ok. There are many who are living what was once their dream but has now become their nightmare. With my back and knees I doubt I'd have lasted very long in either of the two main careers I remember dreaming about; rodeo clown, and police officer.

It's funny as I was growing up dreaming of adventure I always had a mental image of my brother being the home-body who settled down close to where we were raised, got married and raised a family while I was the free spirit who traveled the world. Adam has been to more countries and continents than I probably ever will, he served in the military, has done mission work and generally had more adventures in his 26 years than I will likely have in my lifetime. Yet I honestly wouldn't change lives with him if someone magically gave me the chance.

I'm thankful for the life I have and how it's turned out so far.

Now for something completely different

OK since I've had it pointed out that most of my posts have been depressing so far I figured I'd write something I look forward to every week.

Alex and I go to a "Daddy and me" class at a local school every Wednesday and it is one of the highlights of my week. This goes from 6:00 pm until 7:30 pm, but before class starts we go and have supper at McDonald's so that Alex can have his nuggets and toy.

During class it's broken into both organized and unorganized activities. first there's a free play where the teacher just opens the toy chests as well as putting out an art project of the week. Generally we forgo the art project because my son doesn't like getting messy or things on his hands so paints and glue drive him nuts, however the wooden trains, and toy trucks are always a great hit, and sometimes even the doll house gets played with. (Unlike some people I've seen I'm absolutely ok with my son playing with dolls.)

After free play we clean up the toys and then have "Circle time" where the teacher leads us in various stories and songs. Alex always enjoys the "tick-tock" song as well as "The Grand Ol' Duke of York."

Circle time leads to snack time, which surprisingly Alex tends to rush through and tries to get over as quick as possible because as soon as all the kids are done with snack time the gym is opened for the last 30 minutes or so where the kids can climb, run, jump and ride the various toys.

Obviously I could do all of these things at home and regularly do have playtime at home, but it's nice to go somewhere, interact with other Dad's and their children, as well as knowing that I have a standing appointment with my son. I've told people I can't do various activities on Wednesday so that I can keep this appointment and help remind myself why I do everything I do.

A pain not my own

Hmm seems like I'm writing about pain a lot recently, odd how things seem to come in groups isn't it?

I recently found out my brother has thyroid cancer. It's been odd dealing with this, and I think it would have honestly been easier if I were the one who had it.

Growing up due to my back problems I mentioned earlier I was always the "sick one" with the limitations imposed and therefore more of a homebody, and Adam was always the out-doorsy rough and tumble sportsman. I'm hoping this won't change due to whatever treatment the doctors determine is needed and that Adam can still go fishing, hunting and stomping around trees as he seems to enjoy.

This has also tested what little remnants of faith that I had left. I've never been the religious type (I was kicked out of religious class for drawing horns on the pope in school) and only go to church because it pleases my wife and may help my son receive something I don't. Adam however is very much into his faith and in a fair world over-seen by a supreme being I'd be the one struck with cancer, unless of course Adam is the reincarnation of Job, which having me as a brother may explain....

Adam doesn't seem to be in much pain, but he also seems to be trying to protect the rest of the family from his fears and concerns by remaining stoic but I have been feeling the fear for him. Hopefully all will work out in the end but it would be easier to deal with if it were myself than watching from the sidelines.

Not all wounds show

I'm a few days late, but if you live in freedom thank a veteran.

For those who don't know I'm the son of a disabled veteran. My father was special operations on the ground for the USAF in Vietnam, and while he came back whole of body, I believe a deeper part of him was cracked over there, and broken many years later.

My dad is often hard to deal with, and always opinionated (much like myself,) and many people have difficulty relating to him. However, I've had many a long serious talks with him, and while I'm not going to go into specifics for fear that he would feel betrayed by what I write here, or if certain people read comments out of context they would be hurt, I want to shed some light on this wounded warrior.

I don't know specifics about what my father saw over-seas, and in all honesty I probably don't want to know. I have watched over the years the mental toll it has taken upon this man however. I've watched him go from an energetic, nothing can stop him, life loving man who was, not-a-perfect-but-none-the-less-good father and husband, into a man who is bitter, and angry at most of the world because it can't/won't adjust/accept to him, and he's bent and compromised so much for it.

My father is diagnosed with PTSD, and doesn't handle stress well. This man who once went on missions with few men, and limited supplies, and made decisions that literally were life and death (including later civilian Air Traffic Control for 16 years), now has trouble dealing with the stress involved in making a call to a company to cancel a service because they won't listen when he says to end the service and repeatedly ignore his pleas to end the service and continue to try to give a sales pitch to keep him as a customer.

There are thousands if not millions of these walking wounded who have given the best of their life for this country, and had the rest of it ruined by our callous nature and inability to bend down and help prop them up in society. Yes there is a VA that is doing it's best to help them. However, if you turn on the news and wait eventually you'll hear stories about these warriors who are stuck in molding rooms, those who are from the Vietnam War being set aside to treat those with PTSD from the current war. The reason isn't that the staff doesn't care, it's that we as a country don't.

I've talked recently to my father and he says from the care he's seeing at the VA these are isolated incidents, blown out of proportion for gain by one person or another. From our talks the VA has made leaps and bounds in the level of service they show those who seek them. However we as a society under-fund them and place a scarlet letter upon the chest of those who seek the treatment they need.

How many of us have watched someone get out of a car with disabled plates, that then walks into the store and grumbled that they didn't need that spot. I know I have, more than once. I never thought that maybe that person wears their scars on their heart. That maybe instead of a broken back, they have a broken marriage because a spouse couldn't stand one more outburst. Maybe instead of an oxygen cart they haul behind them images that those who were in their situation can't imagine. Maybe the sound of a car backfiring could trigger a flashback to something so traumatic it's been blocked out by the mind to protect the person who shares a skull with it. These people may have invisible wounds and/or physical or mental pain and really DO need that spot, even if you have to walk an extra 10 feet.

My dad would say he didn't do anything special, when the truth is he gave everything in his world. Cut him some slack.

Pain has no hold over me

"Do you still have pain?" This question has probably been asked of me more often by people who know me than any other in my life. You see I was born with Lumbar Schurman's Kyphosis which means that my spine and some odd curvatures in it (If you look at the spine from the side it's supposed to make an "S" shape, mine made a "C.")
For as long as I can remember I have had a sore back. At first my parent's thought I was imitating my father since he had a number of back problems from his days in the military. I finally convinced them when I was in 6th grade to take me in and that's when we found out I had LSK (my abbreviation, not a medical because I don't want to type the whole damned thing out again.) I went through a number of braces, therapies, and enough X-rays that I'm still surprised I don't glow in the dark. None of which worked for more than a short time. All the while the pain was getting worse and by the time I was in 8th grade I was in constant pain, some days better and some days worse.

In 2003 I had a spinal fusion with 2 12" titanium rods and 14 screws put in my back because I was in so much pain I could barely walk. I told the surgeon, and I wasn't being melodramatic, that if I was paralyzed from the surgery but the pain was reduced by 10% I would consider it a success. The pain has probably been reduced closer to 60% and I'm still walking, and rolling around on the floor with my son.

However yes, I still have pain, constantly. Not only in my back, but also my knees where I took so much extra shock to try to avoid taking it in my back over the years. However while I may grimace or complain about the pain, it doesn't really bother me as much as it used to. There were times before my surgery and earlier that the pain caused a vicious cycle of depression, which lead to more pain. I don't get those so much any more. This isn't because I'm tougher than I was, it's because I have a new outlook on pain.

I've learned to look at what pain has brought me in my life, which is more good than bad:

• It wasn't my pain, but my wonderful wife went through hours of pain to which the end result was our beautiful son.
• My back surgery was just a few short months after my wife and I were married. I got to know her far better during that time than if I hadn't spent 3 months recovering and stuck at home.
• The pain in school left me on the outside of a lot of social circles looking in because I couldn't do a sport, or had to wear a brace. This taught me to rely on myself and allowed me to make the friends who I did have, one of which became my wife.
• Because I was in pain I spent more time sitting at a computer than playing sports. This has lead me to a hobby and career that I love, I may never be wealthy doing it, but I enjoy going to work every morning.
  

I don't welcome pain anymore than anyone else. If I can I avoid it just like any sane person. But the pain I do have is mine and it keeps me going. Look at all the wonderful things it's given me so far. I can't wait to see what else I accomplish despite it.

I don't write this entry to say "YEA ME! look what I overcame" but in the hopes of helping someone else who is suffering from chronic pain. Yes it hurts, yes there are times you would give anything, including your ability to walk, to make it go away. But there are better times ahead. People will be cruel, but looking back, a lot of those people are in places I wouldn't want to be now.