This is written on Sunday Dec 14, but will be delayed posting until Heather gives the OK due to reasons that will become obvious in the reading.
I got to bed at 5:45 am this morning. We just got back from the ER where within a 20 minute stretch we found out that Heather was pregnant, and that she was in the middle of a miscarriage.
We've been trying for a second child for about a year and a half now, so this was a major blow to both Heather and I. I doubt we've fully processed it.
The hardest thing about the whole experience was in the ER the doctors kept referring to the collection as "tissue" that wasn't tissue, that was my child. I'll never know him or her, I didn't know they existed until they were in trouble.
That's hard for me as well. I'm very traditional in that I feel it's my job above all others to protect my family, and there was nothing I could do. I know logically there was something massively wrong with the child and that's why this happened, but in my heart I failed to protect my child, and my wife from the pain associated with this ordeal.
I barely knew this child, and now I never will, and that saddens me to the core.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Friday, December 12, 2008
Why I use Linux
I'm a geek, I readily admit this. I love all things geeky: comic books, video games, sci-fi, and of course computers.
I enjoy almost all aspects of computers; building hardware, troubleshooting problems, giving people advice, working on them, playing games. However, I don't like Windows. Windows is how I make my living; removing virii, repairing BSOD's, and in general fixing the headaches that Windows causes.
I use Linux because I don't understand why people use an operating system that to operate safely requires you to buy an anti-virus, if it's needed shouldn't it be included? If you bought a car would it be acceptable for them to require you to buy the seatbelts seperate, and then you had to pay every year for a new subscription to the belts?
I use Linux because it's Open Source, so instead of the programmers of one company fixing bugs 7 years after it's first reported Linux bugs are able to be fixed by anyone in the world and generally are patched within hours of them being found.
I use Linux because there is no entry fee to play. Linux can be downloaded for free from a number of places. Ubuntu, OpenSuse, Fedora. In many cases you can actually download the .ISO file and burn it to a CD and start your computer to run from the CD to test Linux without making any changes to your currently installed system. Linux is easy enough for beginners, and robust enough that geeks can delve deep into the guts, get their hands dirty and they system comes back for me.
I enjoy almost all aspects of computers; building hardware, troubleshooting problems, giving people advice, working on them, playing games. However, I don't like Windows. Windows is how I make my living; removing virii, repairing BSOD's, and in general fixing the headaches that Windows causes.
I use Linux because I don't understand why people use an operating system that to operate safely requires you to buy an anti-virus, if it's needed shouldn't it be included? If you bought a car would it be acceptable for them to require you to buy the seatbelts seperate, and then you had to pay every year for a new subscription to the belts?
I use Linux because it's Open Source, so instead of the programmers of one company fixing bugs 7 years after it's first reported Linux bugs are able to be fixed by anyone in the world and generally are patched within hours of them being found.
I use Linux because there is no entry fee to play. Linux can be downloaded for free from a number of places. Ubuntu, OpenSuse, Fedora. In many cases you can actually download the .ISO file and burn it to a CD and start your computer to run from the CD to test Linux without making any changes to your currently installed system. Linux is easy enough for beginners, and robust enough that geeks can delve deep into the guts, get their hands dirty and they system comes back for me.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Open Letter
This is an open letter to all retailers, merchants, and others who would like to separate me from my money this Christmas season.
If your employees tell me “Happy Holidays” after I wish them a Merry Christmas (and therefore state that this is the holiday that I celebrate) I am not buying a single thing from you.
I am not a religious zealot, in fact I only go to church because it's important to my wife. I'm at best an agnostic and at worst an atheist (it changes almost daily.) However, I was raised a Catholic and my family celebrates Christmas. I'm not asking the clerks and employee's address wish me the Merry Christmas first, I know this day and age that's too much to ask, but if I say Merry Christmas this should give them freedom from corporate policy to wish me the same in turn.
By the same token, if your employee's are free from this idiotic policy of not acknowledging exactly what holiday they wish to make happy for me, I will not take offense if they wish me a Happy Chanukah, Ramadan, Kwanzaa or Magic Snowflake Day.
If your employees tell me “Happy Holidays” after I wish them a Merry Christmas (and therefore state that this is the holiday that I celebrate) I am not buying a single thing from you.
I am not a religious zealot, in fact I only go to church because it's important to my wife. I'm at best an agnostic and at worst an atheist (it changes almost daily.) However, I was raised a Catholic and my family celebrates Christmas. I'm not asking the clerks and employee's address wish me the Merry Christmas first, I know this day and age that's too much to ask, but if I say Merry Christmas this should give them freedom from corporate policy to wish me the same in turn.
By the same token, if your employee's are free from this idiotic policy of not acknowledging exactly what holiday they wish to make happy for me, I will not take offense if they wish me a Happy Chanukah, Ramadan, Kwanzaa or Magic Snowflake Day.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Stress outlets
I don't deal with anger and stress well. I get that from my father who has fought his whole life with stress and anger issues.
Over the years I've had numerous outlets to help me focus this raw energy from the stress into outlets other than anger. I feel I've wrestled the monster down quite well, and most people who didn't know me 15+ years ago don't know that I wrestle this particular demon on a daily basis and just below the surface it's constantly waiting, even today for a chink in my armor.
In late elementary school and early middle school my buddy and I used to bike to each others houses, or to the mall (which was ~10 miles) and play video games such as Super Mario Brothers, Mortal Kombat, and Street Fighter.
In late middle school and early High School I did karate, tried to rodeo and played video games such as Duke Nukem 3d, Doom (1 and 2,) and Rise of the Triad
In late High School I did a number of plays, worked a physical job (grocery store,) chased a girl who's now my wife, and played Command and Conquer, Red Alert, and Warcraft.
And so on, and so on, as you can see there's always been a physical element and video games. Until now, I still have physical things, such as playing with Alex, house work, and the charity I'm struggling to get off the ground.
The problem is the video game side of things. There's a couple of problems on the game front actually. First is time, I have a family and feel guilty going downstairs to play while they are home and awake, even if Heather tells me it's ok. Second is me, you see I use Linux on my computer rather than Windows because I don't like what Microsoft stands for. However most games are made for Windows, and while they will run with some hacking in Linux, I feel guilty buying something that doesn't work natively on Linux and thus in-directly supporting Windows. There are a few game makers who make their games directly for Linux, but they tend to be of a genre that I don't care for, such as First-Person Shooters.
I have noticed that my stress level is higher since my gaming has decressed but I'm not sure exactly how to correct this problem, but I'm hoping that either game companies will soon embrace Linux or I'll find another outlet for stress to deal with my agression. Suggestions of either Linux-friendly games or alternate directions are always welcome in the comments.
Over the years I've had numerous outlets to help me focus this raw energy from the stress into outlets other than anger. I feel I've wrestled the monster down quite well, and most people who didn't know me 15+ years ago don't know that I wrestle this particular demon on a daily basis and just below the surface it's constantly waiting, even today for a chink in my armor.
In late elementary school and early middle school my buddy and I used to bike to each others houses, or to the mall (which was ~10 miles) and play video games such as Super Mario Brothers, Mortal Kombat, and Street Fighter.
In late middle school and early High School I did karate, tried to rodeo and played video games such as Duke Nukem 3d, Doom (1 and 2,) and Rise of the Triad
In late High School I did a number of plays, worked a physical job (grocery store,) chased a girl who's now my wife, and played Command and Conquer, Red Alert, and Warcraft.
And so on, and so on, as you can see there's always been a physical element and video games. Until now, I still have physical things, such as playing with Alex, house work, and the charity I'm struggling to get off the ground.
The problem is the video game side of things. There's a couple of problems on the game front actually. First is time, I have a family and feel guilty going downstairs to play while they are home and awake, even if Heather tells me it's ok. Second is me, you see I use Linux on my computer rather than Windows because I don't like what Microsoft stands for. However most games are made for Windows, and while they will run with some hacking in Linux, I feel guilty buying something that doesn't work natively on Linux and thus in-directly supporting Windows. There are a few game makers who make their games directly for Linux, but they tend to be of a genre that I don't care for, such as First-Person Shooters.
I have noticed that my stress level is higher since my gaming has decressed but I'm not sure exactly how to correct this problem, but I'm hoping that either game companies will soon embrace Linux or I'll find another outlet for stress to deal with my agression. Suggestions of either Linux-friendly games or alternate directions are always welcome in the comments.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
A life to be thankful for
As I sit here a few hours away from a Thanksgiving feast with my in-laws I've been reflecting on where my life has taken me and and where it may lead in the future.
My life isn't the way I planned it or envisioned it growing up, but I'm the better for it. I always dreamed I'd have an adventurous life with very few roots to hold me to one spot, and I didn't plan on having anyone depend on me that I would possibly disappoint or let down if things went badly for me.
Instead I'm married, have a wonderful son, a mortgage on a nice house, a job I enjoy and all the happier for it. Sure I wonder where life would have led down the other path, but I'm happy if the only thing I have to run from is the throw from a first baseman in my softball league who couldn't hit a barn if he were standing inside it. Call me old fashion but I enjoy being the primary provider for my wife and son, and the knowledge that I make enough to allow my wife to stay home and raise Alex. If she wanted to work outside the home (note I didn't leave it at work, she works much longer hours than I do.)
If more nights than not I'm in bed by 10:30 pm, and get daily reports of how many times someone went pee-pee and poo-poo in the potty that's ok. There are many who are living what was once their dream but has now become their nightmare. With my back and knees I doubt I'd have lasted very long in either of the two main careers I remember dreaming about; rodeo clown, and police officer.
It's funny as I was growing up dreaming of adventure I always had a mental image of my brother being the home-body who settled down close to where we were raised, got married and raised a family while I was the free spirit who traveled the world. Adam has been to more countries and continents than I probably ever will, he served in the military, has done mission work and generally had more adventures in his 26 years than I will likely have in my lifetime. Yet I honestly wouldn't change lives with him if someone magically gave me the chance.
I'm thankful for the life I have and how it's turned out so far.
My life isn't the way I planned it or envisioned it growing up, but I'm the better for it. I always dreamed I'd have an adventurous life with very few roots to hold me to one spot, and I didn't plan on having anyone depend on me that I would possibly disappoint or let down if things went badly for me.
Instead I'm married, have a wonderful son, a mortgage on a nice house, a job I enjoy and all the happier for it. Sure I wonder where life would have led down the other path, but I'm happy if the only thing I have to run from is the throw from a first baseman in my softball league who couldn't hit a barn if he were standing inside it. Call me old fashion but I enjoy being the primary provider for my wife and son, and the knowledge that I make enough to allow my wife to stay home and raise Alex. If she wanted to work outside the home (note I didn't leave it at work, she works much longer hours than I do.)
If more nights than not I'm in bed by 10:30 pm, and get daily reports of how many times someone went pee-pee and poo-poo in the potty that's ok. There are many who are living what was once their dream but has now become their nightmare. With my back and knees I doubt I'd have lasted very long in either of the two main careers I remember dreaming about; rodeo clown, and police officer.
It's funny as I was growing up dreaming of adventure I always had a mental image of my brother being the home-body who settled down close to where we were raised, got married and raised a family while I was the free spirit who traveled the world. Adam has been to more countries and continents than I probably ever will, he served in the military, has done mission work and generally had more adventures in his 26 years than I will likely have in my lifetime. Yet I honestly wouldn't change lives with him if someone magically gave me the chance.
I'm thankful for the life I have and how it's turned out so far.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Now for something completely different
OK since I've had it pointed out that most of my posts have been depressing so far I figured I'd write something I look forward to every week.
Alex and I go to a "Daddy and me" class at a local school every Wednesday and it is one of the highlights of my week. This goes from 6:00 pm until 7:30 pm, but before class starts we go and have supper at McDonald's so that Alex can have his nuggets and toy.
During class it's broken into both organized and unorganized activities. first there's a free play where the teacher just opens the toy chests as well as putting out an art project of the week. Generally we forgo the art project because my son doesn't like getting messy or things on his hands so paints and glue drive him nuts, however the wooden trains, and toy trucks are always a great hit, and sometimes even the doll house gets played with. (Unlike some people I've seen I'm absolutely ok with my son playing with dolls.)
After free play we clean up the toys and then have "Circle time" where the teacher leads us in various stories and songs. Alex always enjoys the "tick-tock" song as well as "The Grand Ol' Duke of York."
Circle time leads to snack time, which surprisingly Alex tends to rush through and tries to get over as quick as possible because as soon as all the kids are done with snack time the gym is opened for the last 30 minutes or so where the kids can climb, run, jump and ride the various toys.
Obviously I could do all of these things at home and regularly do have playtime at home, but it's nice to go somewhere, interact with other Dad's and their children, as well as knowing that I have a standing appointment with my son. I've told people I can't do various activities on Wednesday so that I can keep this appointment and help remind myself why I do everything I do.
Alex and I go to a "Daddy and me" class at a local school every Wednesday and it is one of the highlights of my week. This goes from 6:00 pm until 7:30 pm, but before class starts we go and have supper at McDonald's so that Alex can have his nuggets and toy.
During class it's broken into both organized and unorganized activities. first there's a free play where the teacher just opens the toy chests as well as putting out an art project of the week. Generally we forgo the art project because my son doesn't like getting messy or things on his hands so paints and glue drive him nuts, however the wooden trains, and toy trucks are always a great hit, and sometimes even the doll house gets played with. (Unlike some people I've seen I'm absolutely ok with my son playing with dolls.)
After free play we clean up the toys and then have "Circle time" where the teacher leads us in various stories and songs. Alex always enjoys the "tick-tock" song as well as "The Grand Ol' Duke of York."
Circle time leads to snack time, which surprisingly Alex tends to rush through and tries to get over as quick as possible because as soon as all the kids are done with snack time the gym is opened for the last 30 minutes or so where the kids can climb, run, jump and ride the various toys.
Obviously I could do all of these things at home and regularly do have playtime at home, but it's nice to go somewhere, interact with other Dad's and their children, as well as knowing that I have a standing appointment with my son. I've told people I can't do various activities on Wednesday so that I can keep this appointment and help remind myself why I do everything I do.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
A pain not my own
Hmm seems like I'm writing about pain a lot recently, odd how things seem to come in groups isn't it?
I recently found out my brother has thyroid cancer. It's been odd dealing with this, and I think it would have honestly been easier if I were the one who had it.
Growing up due to my back problems I mentioned earlier I was always the "sick one" with the limitations imposed and therefore more of a homebody, and Adam was always the out-doorsy rough and tumble sportsman. I'm hoping this won't change due to whatever treatment the doctors determine is needed and that Adam can still go fishing, hunting and stomping around trees as he seems to enjoy.
This has also tested what little remnants of faith that I had left. I've never been the religious type (I was kicked out of religious class for drawing horns on the pope in school) and only go to church because it pleases my wife and may help my son receive something I don't. Adam however is very much into his faith and in a fair world over-seen by a supreme being I'd be the one struck with cancer, unless of course Adam is the reincarnation of Job, which having me as a brother may explain....
Adam doesn't seem to be in much pain, but he also seems to be trying to protect the rest of the family from his fears and concerns by remaining stoic but I have been feeling the fear for him. Hopefully all will work out in the end but it would be easier to deal with if it were myself than watching from the sidelines.
I recently found out my brother has thyroid cancer. It's been odd dealing with this, and I think it would have honestly been easier if I were the one who had it.
Growing up due to my back problems I mentioned earlier I was always the "sick one" with the limitations imposed and therefore more of a homebody, and Adam was always the out-doorsy rough and tumble sportsman. I'm hoping this won't change due to whatever treatment the doctors determine is needed and that Adam can still go fishing, hunting and stomping around trees as he seems to enjoy.
This has also tested what little remnants of faith that I had left. I've never been the religious type (I was kicked out of religious class for drawing horns on the pope in school) and only go to church because it pleases my wife and may help my son receive something I don't. Adam however is very much into his faith and in a fair world over-seen by a supreme being I'd be the one struck with cancer, unless of course Adam is the reincarnation of Job, which having me as a brother may explain....
Adam doesn't seem to be in much pain, but he also seems to be trying to protect the rest of the family from his fears and concerns by remaining stoic but I have been feeling the fear for him. Hopefully all will work out in the end but it would be easier to deal with if it were myself than watching from the sidelines.
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