Week from HELL

OK, I declare Dec 14 through Dec 20 2008 the week from hell for my family.

Late Saturday night (about 10 PM) I took my wife into the emergency room, and shortly after midnight on the 14th we found out she was having a miscarriage (we didn't know she was pregnant until that night but had 20 minutes between when we were told she was pregnant and when we were told the baby was in trouble.)

On Wednesday my brother had a second surgery for thyroid cancer. All went well but those two items themselves were quite a bit to take.

Then on Friday, while at work I got a call first from my father saying that they didn't get the right lymph nods in Adam and they would have to be going in again on Saturday. about 20 minutes later I got a call from Heather and was told that there were some complications and that if her hormone levels weren't where the doctors wanted to see them she would be going into surgery that night. About 4 hours later we found out Heather wouldn't have to have surgery, but Adam would definitely need it. Then when I got home from work I was told by my father that his brother had commit ed suicide that morning by over-dosing on pills.

Everyone is doing well from their various medical issues, Adam is recovering well from 2 surgeries within 4 days, and Heather and I are still getting over the shock and pain of the miscarriage but this isn't a week I'd want to relive for anything in the world.

To the Child I never knew

This is written on Sunday Dec 14, but will be delayed posting until Heather gives the OK due to reasons that will become obvious in the reading.

I got to bed at 5:45 am this morning. We just got back from the ER where within a 20 minute stretch we found out that Heather was pregnant, and that she was in the middle of a miscarriage.

We've been trying for a second child for about a year and a half now, so this was a major blow to both Heather and I. I doubt we've fully processed it.

The hardest thing about the whole experience was in the ER the doctors kept referring to the collection as "tissue" that wasn't tissue, that was my child. I'll never know him or her, I didn't know they existed until they were in trouble.

That's hard for me as well. I'm very traditional in that I feel it's my job above all others to protect my family, and there was nothing I could do. I know logically there was something massively wrong with the child and that's why this happened, but in my heart I failed to protect my child, and my wife from the pain associated with this ordeal.

I barely knew this child, and now I never will, and that saddens me to the core.

Why I use Linux

I'm a geek, I readily admit this. I love all things geeky: comic books, video games, sci-fi, and of course computers.

I enjoy almost all aspects of computers; building hardware, troubleshooting problems, giving people advice, working on them, playing games. However, I don't like Windows. Windows is how I make my living; removing virii, repairing BSOD's, and in general fixing the headaches that Windows causes.

I use Linux because I don't understand why people use an operating system that to operate safely requires you to buy an anti-virus, if it's needed shouldn't it be included? If you bought a car would it be acceptable for them to require you to buy the seatbelts seperate, and then you had to pay every year for a new subscription to the belts?

I use Linux because it's Open Source, so instead of the programmers of one company fixing bugs 7 years after it's first reported Linux bugs are able to be fixed by anyone in the world and generally are patched within hours of them being found.

I use Linux because there is no entry fee to play. Linux can be downloaded for free from a number of places. Ubuntu, OpenSuse, Fedora. In many cases you can actually download the .ISO file and burn it to a CD and start your computer to run from the CD to test Linux without making any changes to your currently installed system. Linux is easy enough for beginners, and robust enough that geeks can delve deep into the guts, get their hands dirty and they system comes back for me.

Open Letter

This is an open letter to all retailers, merchants, and others who would like to separate me from my money this Christmas season.

If your employees tell me “Happy Holidays” after I wish them a Merry Christmas (and therefore state that this is the holiday that I celebrate) I am not buying a single thing from you.

I am not a religious zealot, in fact I only go to church because it's important to my wife. I'm at best an agnostic and at worst an atheist (it changes almost daily.) However, I was raised a Catholic and my family celebrates Christmas. I'm not asking the clerks and employee's address wish me the Merry Christmas first, I know this day and age that's too much to ask, but if I say Merry Christmas this should give them freedom from corporate policy to wish me the same in turn.

By the same token, if your employee's are free from this idiotic policy of not acknowledging exactly what holiday they wish to make happy for me, I will not take offense if they wish me a Happy Chanukah, Ramadan, Kwanzaa or Magic Snowflake Day.

Stress outlets

I don't deal with anger and stress well. I get that from my father who has fought his whole life with stress and anger issues.

Over the years I've had numerous outlets to help me focus this raw energy from the stress into outlets other than anger. I feel I've wrestled the monster down quite well, and most people who didn't know me 15+ years ago don't know that I wrestle this particular demon on a daily basis and just below the surface it's constantly waiting, even today for a chink in my armor.

In late elementary school and early middle school my buddy and I used to bike to each others houses, or to the mall (which was ~10 miles) and play video games such as Super Mario Brothers, Mortal Kombat, and Street Fighter.

In late middle school and early High School I did karate, tried to rodeo and played video games such as Duke Nukem 3d, Doom (1 and 2,) and Rise of the Triad

In late High School I did a number of plays, worked a physical job (grocery store,) chased a girl who's now my wife, and played Command and Conquer, Red Alert, and Warcraft.

And so on, and so on, as you can see there's always been a physical element and video games. Until now, I still have physical things, such as playing with Alex, house work, and the charity I'm struggling to get off the ground.

The problem is the video game side of things. There's a couple of problems on the game front actually. First is time, I have a family and feel guilty going downstairs to play while they are home and awake, even if Heather tells me it's ok. Second is me, you see I use Linux on my computer rather than Windows because I don't like what Microsoft stands for. However most games are made for Windows, and while they will run with some hacking in Linux, I feel guilty buying something that doesn't work natively on Linux and thus in-directly supporting Windows. There are a few game makers who make their games directly for Linux, but they tend to be of a genre that I don't care for, such as First-Person Shooters.

I have noticed that my stress level is higher since my gaming has decressed but I'm not sure exactly how to correct this problem, but I'm hoping that either game companies will soon embrace Linux or I'll find another outlet for stress to deal with my agression. Suggestions of either Linux-friendly games or alternate directions are always welcome in the comments.

A life to be thankful for

As I sit here a few hours away from a Thanksgiving feast with my in-laws I've been reflecting on where my life has taken me and and where it may lead in the future.

My life isn't the way I planned it or envisioned it growing up, but I'm the better for it. I always dreamed I'd have an adventurous life with very few roots to hold me to one spot, and I didn't plan on having anyone depend on me that I would possibly disappoint or let down if things went badly for me.

Instead I'm married, have a wonderful son, a mortgage on a nice house, a job I enjoy and all the happier for it. Sure I wonder where life would have led down the other path, but I'm happy if the only thing I have to run from is the throw from a first baseman in my softball league who couldn't hit a barn if he were standing inside it. Call me old fashion but I enjoy being the primary provider for my wife and son, and the knowledge that I make enough to allow my wife to stay home and raise Alex. If she wanted to work outside the home (note I didn't leave it at work, she works much longer hours than I do.)

If more nights than not I'm in bed by 10:30 pm, and get daily reports of how many times someone went pee-pee and poo-poo in the potty that's ok. There are many who are living what was once their dream but has now become their nightmare. With my back and knees I doubt I'd have lasted very long in either of the two main careers I remember dreaming about; rodeo clown, and police officer.

It's funny as I was growing up dreaming of adventure I always had a mental image of my brother being the home-body who settled down close to where we were raised, got married and raised a family while I was the free spirit who traveled the world. Adam has been to more countries and continents than I probably ever will, he served in the military, has done mission work and generally had more adventures in his 26 years than I will likely have in my lifetime. Yet I honestly wouldn't change lives with him if someone magically gave me the chance.

I'm thankful for the life I have and how it's turned out so far.

Now for something completely different

OK since I've had it pointed out that most of my posts have been depressing so far I figured I'd write something I look forward to every week.

Alex and I go to a "Daddy and me" class at a local school every Wednesday and it is one of the highlights of my week. This goes from 6:00 pm until 7:30 pm, but before class starts we go and have supper at McDonald's so that Alex can have his nuggets and toy.

During class it's broken into both organized and unorganized activities. first there's a free play where the teacher just opens the toy chests as well as putting out an art project of the week. Generally we forgo the art project because my son doesn't like getting messy or things on his hands so paints and glue drive him nuts, however the wooden trains, and toy trucks are always a great hit, and sometimes even the doll house gets played with. (Unlike some people I've seen I'm absolutely ok with my son playing with dolls.)

After free play we clean up the toys and then have "Circle time" where the teacher leads us in various stories and songs. Alex always enjoys the "tick-tock" song as well as "The Grand Ol' Duke of York."

Circle time leads to snack time, which surprisingly Alex tends to rush through and tries to get over as quick as possible because as soon as all the kids are done with snack time the gym is opened for the last 30 minutes or so where the kids can climb, run, jump and ride the various toys.

Obviously I could do all of these things at home and regularly do have playtime at home, but it's nice to go somewhere, interact with other Dad's and their children, as well as knowing that I have a standing appointment with my son. I've told people I can't do various activities on Wednesday so that I can keep this appointment and help remind myself why I do everything I do.

A pain not my own

Hmm seems like I'm writing about pain a lot recently, odd how things seem to come in groups isn't it?

I recently found out my brother has thyroid cancer. It's been odd dealing with this, and I think it would have honestly been easier if I were the one who had it.

Growing up due to my back problems I mentioned earlier I was always the "sick one" with the limitations imposed and therefore more of a homebody, and Adam was always the out-doorsy rough and tumble sportsman. I'm hoping this won't change due to whatever treatment the doctors determine is needed and that Adam can still go fishing, hunting and stomping around trees as he seems to enjoy.

This has also tested what little remnants of faith that I had left. I've never been the religious type (I was kicked out of religious class for drawing horns on the pope in school) and only go to church because it pleases my wife and may help my son receive something I don't. Adam however is very much into his faith and in a fair world over-seen by a supreme being I'd be the one struck with cancer, unless of course Adam is the reincarnation of Job, which having me as a brother may explain....

Adam doesn't seem to be in much pain, but he also seems to be trying to protect the rest of the family from his fears and concerns by remaining stoic but I have been feeling the fear for him. Hopefully all will work out in the end but it would be easier to deal with if it were myself than watching from the sidelines.

Not all wounds show

I'm a few days late, but if you live in freedom thank a veteran.

For those who don't know I'm the son of a disabled veteran. My father was special operations on the ground for the USAF in Vietnam, and while he came back whole of body, I believe a deeper part of him was cracked over there, and broken many years later.

My dad is often hard to deal with, and always opinionated (much like myself,) and many people have difficulty relating to him. However, I've had many a long serious talks with him, and while I'm not going to go into specifics for fear that he would feel betrayed by what I write here, or if certain people read comments out of context they would be hurt, I want to shed some light on this wounded warrior.

I don't know specifics about what my father saw over-seas, and in all honesty I probably don't want to know. I have watched over the years the mental toll it has taken upon this man however. I've watched him go from an energetic, nothing can stop him, life loving man who was, not-a-perfect-but-none-the-less-good father and husband, into a man who is bitter, and angry at most of the world because it can't/won't adjust/accept to him, and he's bent and compromised so much for it.

My father is diagnosed with PTSD, and doesn't handle stress well. This man who once went on missions with few men, and limited supplies, and made decisions that literally were life and death (including later civilian Air Traffic Control for 16 years), now has trouble dealing with the stress involved in making a call to a company to cancel a service because they won't listen when he says to end the service and repeatedly ignore his pleas to end the service and continue to try to give a sales pitch to keep him as a customer.

There are thousands if not millions of these walking wounded who have given the best of their life for this country, and had the rest of it ruined by our callous nature and inability to bend down and help prop them up in society. Yes there is a VA that is doing it's best to help them. However, if you turn on the news and wait eventually you'll hear stories about these warriors who are stuck in molding rooms, those who are from the Vietnam War being set aside to treat those with PTSD from the current war. The reason isn't that the staff doesn't care, it's that we as a country don't.

I've talked recently to my father and he says from the care he's seeing at the VA these are isolated incidents, blown out of proportion for gain by one person or another. From our talks the VA has made leaps and bounds in the level of service they show those who seek them. However we as a society under-fund them and place a scarlet letter upon the chest of those who seek the treatment they need.

How many of us have watched someone get out of a car with disabled plates, that then walks into the store and grumbled that they didn't need that spot. I know I have, more than once. I never thought that maybe that person wears their scars on their heart. That maybe instead of a broken back, they have a broken marriage because a spouse couldn't stand one more outburst. Maybe instead of an oxygen cart they haul behind them images that those who were in their situation can't imagine. Maybe the sound of a car backfiring could trigger a flashback to something so traumatic it's been blocked out by the mind to protect the person who shares a skull with it. These people may have invisible wounds and/or physical or mental pain and really DO need that spot, even if you have to walk an extra 10 feet.

My dad would say he didn't do anything special, when the truth is he gave everything in his world. Cut him some slack.

Pain has no hold over me

"Do you still have pain?" This question has probably been asked of me more often by people who know me than any other in my life. You see I was born with Lumbar Schurman's Kyphosis which means that my spine and some odd curvatures in it (If you look at the spine from the side it's supposed to make an "S" shape, mine made a "C.")
For as long as I can remember I have had a sore back. At first my parent's thought I was imitating my father since he had a number of back problems from his days in the military. I finally convinced them when I was in 6th grade to take me in and that's when we found out I had LSK (my abbreviation, not a medical because I don't want to type the whole damned thing out again.) I went through a number of braces, therapies, and enough X-rays that I'm still surprised I don't glow in the dark. None of which worked for more than a short time. All the while the pain was getting worse and by the time I was in 8th grade I was in constant pain, some days better and some days worse.

In 2003 I had a spinal fusion with 2 12" titanium rods and 14 screws put in my back because I was in so much pain I could barely walk. I told the surgeon, and I wasn't being melodramatic, that if I was paralyzed from the surgery but the pain was reduced by 10% I would consider it a success. The pain has probably been reduced closer to 60% and I'm still walking, and rolling around on the floor with my son.

However yes, I still have pain, constantly. Not only in my back, but also my knees where I took so much extra shock to try to avoid taking it in my back over the years. However while I may grimace or complain about the pain, it doesn't really bother me as much as it used to. There were times before my surgery and earlier that the pain caused a vicious cycle of depression, which lead to more pain. I don't get those so much any more. This isn't because I'm tougher than I was, it's because I have a new outlook on pain.

I've learned to look at what pain has brought me in my life, which is more good than bad:

• It wasn't my pain, but my wonderful wife went through hours of pain to which the end result was our beautiful son.
• My back surgery was just a few short months after my wife and I were married. I got to know her far better during that time than if I hadn't spent 3 months recovering and stuck at home.
• The pain in school left me on the outside of a lot of social circles looking in because I couldn't do a sport, or had to wear a brace. This taught me to rely on myself and allowed me to make the friends who I did have, one of which became my wife.
• Because I was in pain I spent more time sitting at a computer than playing sports. This has lead me to a hobby and career that I love, I may never be wealthy doing it, but I enjoy going to work every morning.
  

I don't welcome pain anymore than anyone else. If I can I avoid it just like any sane person. But the pain I do have is mine and it keeps me going. Look at all the wonderful things it's given me so far. I can't wait to see what else I accomplish despite it.

I don't write this entry to say "YEA ME! look what I overcame" but in the hopes of helping someone else who is suffering from chronic pain. Yes it hurts, yes there are times you would give anything, including your ability to walk, to make it go away. But there are better times ahead. People will be cruel, but looking back, a lot of those people are in places I wouldn't want to be now.

I declare myself a whore

Today I announce I'm a whore.

I've decided that since Microsoft assumes all of their customers are criminals until the customer proves they aren't I'm doing the same. No longer will I be giving out knowledge for free, I'm a professional. To everyone who has relied upon me for Windows advice, the free ride is over. I'll still be happy to help you, but it will now cost you $20 an hour. There are no exceptions, sorry Mom, Adam, Dad, Steve, etc. I'm done supporting your habit of reinstalling an the exact same Operating System that was giving you trouble before without compensation.

I know this seems either self-centered or greedy, or both, however I've told each of you numerous times that Linux will do what you want/need it to do, is free, doesn't get virus', is more secure, and is generally faster. Yet like an addict you go back to your drug of choice. For those that even try by using dual-boot between Linux and Windows, you get free help because you're trying. I'll still support hardware issues such as a RAM upgrade, but as soon as I need to change ANYTHING in the OS is when the meter starts running.

Am I wrong for doing this? Leave a comment if you think I'm a cold-hearted bastard or I'm right on the money.

Manual Voting: I can't quit you

I'm a geek. For those who know me personally this will be viewed as a drastic under-statement. I work in the IT sector, I run Linux instead of windows, I've been known to debate who was better Picard or Kirk (Picard,) I still have all my old D&D dice, etc etc etc.

Because of this most people are rather shocked that I refuse to use electronic voting machines. Their like a really slow video game, you put an X by someones name, and then wait FOREVER to see who won. The problem is the technology isn't mature enough to trust in one of the most important things we as citizens do for out country.

These machines provide no paper trail for the voter to verify the recorded vote matches their choices or for officials to go back to, so if a recount is ever needed (I'm looking at you Florida) there is no way to do it on these machines. Also in most models of these machines they have no battery backup, so if the power goes out 3/4 of the way through election day, well sorry everyone who voted this morning, we'll catch you next time round.

Additionally these machines appear to be going on sleepovers. They also seem to have some calibration issues but don't worry, it's easy for anyone to recalibrate them.

Lastly, these devices are all closed source, meaning that nobody except those at the company that created them is able to know exactly what is happening in there. I'm not accusing anyone of this, but hypothetically how would you know if the machine you were voting on is counting every vote for a member of party A twice and only once for members of party B not by a bug but because of programming put in at the factory? If the source-code were released every programmer on the planet could look at the code, make sure it was doing what it was supposed to , and possibly suggest fixes for the problems listed above, since the manufacturers can't seem to be bothered.

Qualified to be President?

Correction: edited in 7:49 am 11/7/08: DOH! Sure I did research on President elect Obama's birth and came across the interesting tidbits about requirements to be a US citizen, and that he didn't meet them. However it seems that I missed a line in my reading that stated that those qualifications only counted for children of a US citizen who was born OUTSIDE the US. President-elect Obama was born in Hawaii 2 years after it became a state so even if neither of his parents were citizens and arrived while his mother was in labor he would have been a US citizen. End correction.



I'm surprised no one has brought this up yet, but in doing some research for my last entry I came across a few interesting facts.

First that to be qualified to be President of the United States you have to be a Natural-born citizen.

Second, from my research (and I could/probably am wrong) President Elect Obama isn't a Natural-born citizen, he's a naturalized citizen.

According to Findlaw.com from Dec 24, 1952 until Nov 13, 1986, which encompass the time that Obama was born, "If only one parent was a U.S. citizen at the time of your birth, that parent must have resided in the United States for at least 10 years, at least five of which had to be after the age of 16." After Nov 13, 1986 anyone born on US shores who's parents requested it was considered to hold dual-citizenship as their parents country and the USA. I've not found anywhere that states this was made retroactive.

Obama's father has never been a citizen of the USA and his mother was 18 when Barrack was born. This means that Obama couldn't be considered a natural born citizen because his mother wasn't 21 (16 + 5 = 21) the minimum age a mother can give birth to a citizen, thus preventing him from being a legal candidate for the Presidential office. This is also what has prevented the current Governor of CA from running for the office.

Let me make it clear, I don't want to escape President-Elect Obama on a technicality, but if it was unconstitutional for him to run and he ran anyway what is he going to do for illegal immigrants who started their life in America by breaking the law?

Dr. King's Dream still unrealized

We've all heard the line: "I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character. " by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Unfortunately watching the reaction to our Nations recent Presidential election this dream is still unrealized despite what the news channels would have you believe. I believe every broadcast I've seen has talked about President Elect Obama being the first African-American President as if the color of his skin will change how he leads. I'm sorry but I disagree, there are far more important differences than any previous president. An example is he's the first president who was born outside the continental US (he was born in Hawaii.) He's also the first President to spend a significant amount of his primary school years in a foreign country.

The first of these two may have very little effect but the second could be huge. I'm not sure if it will be for good or ill since I have a very low opinion of the US education system in general, but wonder if someone educated under a different values system at a very young age can really connect with the majority of Americans moral philosophy at some very core points.

I've never hidden the fact that I supported John McCain in the election not because I was a fan of his but because Barack Obama scares me with his Socialistic tenancies and extremist associates. Who you're friends with says a lot of the content of your character and I for one am going to judge President Obama on his character rather than his color.

Pledge to the next President

(Note: this was copied from Facebook and originally published 11/4/2008 at 5:34 pm CST)

It's 5:30 pm CST on election day I have no idea weather I'm writing this to John McCain or Barrack Obama, in all honesty it doesn't matter.



I pledge that no matter who is in the Oval Office, weather I agree or disagree with their policies I will always treat the office, and the person holding it with respect. I may not respect the man as an individual but I have, and always had the utmost respect for what that office represents.



In the past 8 years a lot of people (American and world wide) have trashed the office because they disrespect the present occupant. You can strongly disagree with the policies without disrespecting the office.



This is my Pledge, I will always respect the office, and respectfully disagree with policies I feel are wrong. Who will make the same pledge?

Introduction

I've put off creating a personal blog (I have one for my Digital Bootstraps project) because I didn't thing I would have anything to say that would be interesting enough for people to read, and comment on. Also while I find the things my cats do interesting I doubt most others would.

However this recently changed. I recently got drug kicking and screaming into Facebook by a friend so that I could keep in contact with a few people I went to High School with. During the Presidential election I wrote a couple of notes that got good responses and I enjoyed the debate that ensued.

I'm not exactly sure where this blog is going to go. I'm going to write about whatever interests me. For the most part that's my family, computers, politics, books, and history (specifically the American Civil War, and WWII) with a smattering of other geek culture thrown in for good measure.

Read or don't, subscribe or don't, it truly makes little difference to me as this is going to become an outlet for me to say what I feel so that I can watch how I grow and change over time. As most people do I feel I'm fairly open minded. If something disproves my beliefs I'll re-evaluate and change them.

I have a couple of notes on Facebook that I will probably copy over and will tag them as FACEBOOK in the interest of achieving them all in one spot, those that are no longer relevant due to the outcome of the election won't move.

Let the journey begin.

-B