Single Parent

This week, due to a family emergency I became a temporary single parent on short notice. My wife's aunt is in the hospital after suffering a stroke and she drove down to Iowa City within 15 minutes of when I got home from work on Monday. Now I've had Heather gone a few times in the past when she's gone out of town for a girl's weekend and such, but I always knew it was coming, she had pre-cooked meals so I had leftovers and generally was prepared. This has to my recollection always been on the weekend as well, so I never had to worry about getting my son ready for school, getting to work, picking him up and so forth.

It's only been 2 nights and 2 days but I have a new level of respect for single parents. I've had a lot of help even these 2 days. My Mother-in-Law has been getting Alex off the bus and watching him until I can pick him up (although there was a snag today because she was running late, but a neighbor helped out.) My son has also had supper at her house so even though I've mentally figured out what we were going to have, I haven't actually had to cook anything.

I've always known my wife does a lot around the house, but I've been trying to keep it clean so that when she gets home she doesn't have to worry about that too. She does more than I ever know, and I know that even the best I do won't be half as good as she normally does. If I were a single parent my son and I would live in a much smaller place simply so there's less to clean.

I've always had respect for single parents who do it easy. One of my Sisters-in-Law has become my go-to example of this. She has raised a lovely daughter while willingly putting her social life on the back burner so that she could focus on being a parent first. I've always silently admired how effortless she makes it look but after these past few days I needed to let her, and all the single parents out there know that they are appreciated.

My wife will likely be back tomorrow, and we'll go back to our normal routine and I'll get a break. Single parents don't get that break nearly as often as a two parent home obviously, but hopefully they know that they have the most important job in the world in shaping that young person and that their sacrifices are noticed by others.

Loving Unemployment

This isn't intended as a brag post, but parts of it may read that way, I'm sorry and hope you're not offended.

I've been unemployed since August of 2009. This isn't that rare, millions of American's are like me. What is different is unlike most American families in this situation my family isn't in a financial crisis and worried each month that we are going to lose a car, the house, or not have enough food to eat.

Yes I do draw unemployment, but it is less than half of what I made before I lost my job. However we have never lived above our means, we don't have any credit cards or bills that come with them. Between my unemployment and what Heather makes doing daycare at home we can pay all our bills each month and have also been able to completely pay off a rather large outstanding balance to a local hospital.

During this time Heather has had a major surgery with a week off work and a miscarriage that made her miss a cumulative 2 weeks of daycare and yet we are still current on all our bills, and have credits on a few.

We've been able to do this mostly by being smart, but we've also become big fans of Dave Ramsey who advocates being debt free and how to get there. We haven't followed his plan exactly, we've bought Alex a new bike, we go out to eat occasionally, etc but between him and advice our parents gave growing up we're actually SHRINKING our debt while I'm spending time with my family and waiting for the right job.

Please don't misread that last line, I'm still working hard for work. However I'm presently looking almost exclusively in my chosen profession rather than having to take the first paycheck someone dangles in front of me simply to make ends meet. I have a deadline of 2 months before my unemployment runs out that I will then open myself wide up to any job I'm qualified for that will allow me to provide for my family. In the mean time I've been able to be home and shoulder the household tasks during Heather's two medical problems, I've spent lots of time playing with and enjoying my son, and I've gotten a lot done around the house (and thought of a lot more I'd like to do.) I'm enjoying my unemployment, however I'm ready to work if anyone has a job in my field.

Week from HELL

OK, I declare Dec 14 through Dec 20 2008 the week from hell for my family.

Late Saturday night (about 10 PM) I took my wife into the emergency room, and shortly after midnight on the 14th we found out she was having a miscarriage (we didn't know she was pregnant until that night but had 20 minutes between when we were told she was pregnant and when we were told the baby was in trouble.)

On Wednesday my brother had a second surgery for thyroid cancer. All went well but those two items themselves were quite a bit to take.

Then on Friday, while at work I got a call first from my father saying that they didn't get the right lymph nods in Adam and they would have to be going in again on Saturday. about 20 minutes later I got a call from Heather and was told that there were some complications and that if her hormone levels weren't where the doctors wanted to see them she would be going into surgery that night. About 4 hours later we found out Heather wouldn't have to have surgery, but Adam would definitely need it. Then when I got home from work I was told by my father that his brother had commit ed suicide that morning by over-dosing on pills.

Everyone is doing well from their various medical issues, Adam is recovering well from 2 surgeries within 4 days, and Heather and I are still getting over the shock and pain of the miscarriage but this isn't a week I'd want to relive for anything in the world.

To the Child I never knew

This is written on Sunday Dec 14, but will be delayed posting until Heather gives the OK due to reasons that will become obvious in the reading.

I got to bed at 5:45 am this morning. We just got back from the ER where within a 20 minute stretch we found out that Heather was pregnant, and that she was in the middle of a miscarriage.

We've been trying for a second child for about a year and a half now, so this was a major blow to both Heather and I. I doubt we've fully processed it.

The hardest thing about the whole experience was in the ER the doctors kept referring to the collection as "tissue" that wasn't tissue, that was my child. I'll never know him or her, I didn't know they existed until they were in trouble.

That's hard for me as well. I'm very traditional in that I feel it's my job above all others to protect my family, and there was nothing I could do. I know logically there was something massively wrong with the child and that's why this happened, but in my heart I failed to protect my child, and my wife from the pain associated with this ordeal.

I barely knew this child, and now I never will, and that saddens me to the core.

A life to be thankful for

As I sit here a few hours away from a Thanksgiving feast with my in-laws I've been reflecting on where my life has taken me and and where it may lead in the future.

My life isn't the way I planned it or envisioned it growing up, but I'm the better for it. I always dreamed I'd have an adventurous life with very few roots to hold me to one spot, and I didn't plan on having anyone depend on me that I would possibly disappoint or let down if things went badly for me.

Instead I'm married, have a wonderful son, a mortgage on a nice house, a job I enjoy and all the happier for it. Sure I wonder where life would have led down the other path, but I'm happy if the only thing I have to run from is the throw from a first baseman in my softball league who couldn't hit a barn if he were standing inside it. Call me old fashion but I enjoy being the primary provider for my wife and son, and the knowledge that I make enough to allow my wife to stay home and raise Alex. If she wanted to work outside the home (note I didn't leave it at work, she works much longer hours than I do.)

If more nights than not I'm in bed by 10:30 pm, and get daily reports of how many times someone went pee-pee and poo-poo in the potty that's ok. There are many who are living what was once their dream but has now become their nightmare. With my back and knees I doubt I'd have lasted very long in either of the two main careers I remember dreaming about; rodeo clown, and police officer.

It's funny as I was growing up dreaming of adventure I always had a mental image of my brother being the home-body who settled down close to where we were raised, got married and raised a family while I was the free spirit who traveled the world. Adam has been to more countries and continents than I probably ever will, he served in the military, has done mission work and generally had more adventures in his 26 years than I will likely have in my lifetime. Yet I honestly wouldn't change lives with him if someone magically gave me the chance.

I'm thankful for the life I have and how it's turned out so far.

Now for something completely different

OK since I've had it pointed out that most of my posts have been depressing so far I figured I'd write something I look forward to every week.

Alex and I go to a "Daddy and me" class at a local school every Wednesday and it is one of the highlights of my week. This goes from 6:00 pm until 7:30 pm, but before class starts we go and have supper at McDonald's so that Alex can have his nuggets and toy.

During class it's broken into both organized and unorganized activities. first there's a free play where the teacher just opens the toy chests as well as putting out an art project of the week. Generally we forgo the art project because my son doesn't like getting messy or things on his hands so paints and glue drive him nuts, however the wooden trains, and toy trucks are always a great hit, and sometimes even the doll house gets played with. (Unlike some people I've seen I'm absolutely ok with my son playing with dolls.)

After free play we clean up the toys and then have "Circle time" where the teacher leads us in various stories and songs. Alex always enjoys the "tick-tock" song as well as "The Grand Ol' Duke of York."

Circle time leads to snack time, which surprisingly Alex tends to rush through and tries to get over as quick as possible because as soon as all the kids are done with snack time the gym is opened for the last 30 minutes or so where the kids can climb, run, jump and ride the various toys.

Obviously I could do all of these things at home and regularly do have playtime at home, but it's nice to go somewhere, interact with other Dad's and their children, as well as knowing that I have a standing appointment with my son. I've told people I can't do various activities on Wednesday so that I can keep this appointment and help remind myself why I do everything I do.